Blue

Blue is not my favorite color, it never was. Neither was I so blue in such a long time, disappointed maybe but not blue. But it is a state I am in right now.

It started last Friday. It wasn't the case when I woke up or when 교수님, 관희 and I were on our way to Yeongju to attend the second workshop for the first year of the conduct of a project under the Korea Forest Service.

I've attended various seminars/workshops/forums/meetings  before which are all in Korean so most of the time I do not understand which is being said. I often just look at the presentations and try to understand the context with the aid of the graphs and pictures or based on the few words that I already know. I also at times use the dictionary in my handphone to translate the key words.  That was what I was doing when the professors from Seoul National University and Konju National University were presenting their accomplishments. When it was 교수님's turn to present I just listened. After each presentation, the evaluators and other participants were given time to ask questions about the presentation. That's when it started.

I realized then that aside from studying or preparing for the requirements in my classes, I'm actually not doing anything for my professor or in our laboratory. I couldn't help in the preparation of the presentation, I couldn't hand in the copy of the presentation to the organizers because even if I knew what to say I wasn't that confident to speak in Korean, and at that point I couldn't take down the questions that were being asked to 교수님. And so I felt so useless.

That's when I wrote in my FB account the following :

At times like this, I feel like I'm useless. Well at least to my professor and in his projects or tasks. I can't even help in taking down questions of participants on his presentation.

I never felt this way before. My former bosses used to say that I'm able to do complete staff work, and I'm proud of being able to do so.  but now there's nothing that I can do. It makes me doubly sad because he's been so kind to me but I can't even do the simplest tasks for him.

I hate feeling this way. I guess it's a lesson on humility but it's a rather heartbreaking one. 

I tried to fight it but when the next presentation started, tears started rolling down my cheeks. It was just fortunate that the person seating beside me was oblivious of what was happening or maybe he just pretended that he didn't notice to spare me from feeling foolish or that he didn't know what to say.

When I heard 교수님 and 관희 talking about it, I wanted to ask if I could join them and other members in our laboratory in conducting the survey the following day but I didn't have the courage to do so. I thought that I'd just be on their way.

Relatives, friends, fellow foreign students here at KNU, and even a boss of mine wrote comments or sent me messages, mostly of encouragements: that I just have to give it more time and I will be able to learn the language, that it really takes time to learn a new language, that I am not the only one feeling that way. One even said I just miss the times when I was most efficient and that I should stop comparing the situation, and that even if I feel that I am useless, probably to my professor just my presence matters.

With all those words of encouragement and by doing other things such as reading a book, studying Korean and watching movies and dramas over the weekend, I tried to take my mind off of it.  But once I stepped into our laboratory this morning, the feeling of ineptitude came back.

어떻게요?

Forest Roads Leading to Middle Earth

One of the courses I'm taking this term is 임도설계학 (Forest Roads Design). Being an agriculturist, this subject, just like the course on 산림작업시스템특론 (Forest Operation Systems) last semester which are both being handled by 교수님, is a new one for me. Thus, I have to do some advance reading and since almost all of the printed reference materials are all in Korean, I have to rely mostly on internet sources.

This morning, I started reading the materials which my professor gave me, in the introductory part of the Forest Engineering Guidebook it stated "the materials presented in this guidebook are primarily for skilled, experienced, and knowledgeable technical personnel..." And so, since I am not skilled, experienced, and knowledgeable on this particular subject, I decided to look for more basic reading materials on forest roads. I turned to good old Google and typed "forest roads."

When the search came out my eyes as always, looked at the pictures on top then to the short description on the right side.  These descriptions, more often than not comes from Wikipedia, thus I looked at the main links.

It was then that I realized that three of the top five suggested sites are about "Old Forest Roads" in "Middle-Earth."  I can't help but smile. Initially because I am a Lord of the Rings fan and  then because it is just so funny.  I was expecting that scientific or technical papers will flood the search but instead it was filled with Tolkein's fictional world. I was even tempted to open the sites but then I have to study so I browsed further down the list and found one from Colorado State which had more basic discussions about the topic.

Middle earth will have to wait.

Unscathed

Last snow of this winter

I guess it's spring already. Though it's still very cold, especially with the wind blowing.  They call it 꽃샘추휘. I really thought and hoped I would 'emerge from the winter season' unscathed. That I won't get sick. That I won't get colds or cough which are very prevalent these days. But I guess it's all wishful thinking.

It just started with a sore throat, then after a day or two it turned into cough.  There were times when I felt like I had a slight fever as well. I'm so thankful that it didn't turn out to be a full-blown flu.  Everyone around me were saying 감기 조심해 (not to catch a cold), but then I guess there's no way of avoiding it.

Everyone in our laboratory had some sort of colds. It started with 관희 who had the worst one, when he came back, all of us - 교수님, 소라 and I - sort of followed suit. That started the inside joke in our laboratory "관희 때문에" (because of Kwan Hee). Until now when we hear someone is not feeling well, especially when it is someone who got in contact with us, 교수님 would say "관희 때문에."

For now, I no longer have a cough nor a sore throat. I'm so grateful that it didn't turn out to be a flu and for having people who took care of me. My roommates, 교수님 and my captain who wanted to bring me to the hospital right away, and especially Manang Heidi for taking care of me - for the medicines, mandarin, etc. which made me feel a lot better.  I believe that having you around, made all the difference not just because of the medicines but more so because you made me feel like I have a family I can run to here in Sangju. Thanks a lot and God bless you and your family.